Developer: Alexander Bruce
Reviewed on: PC
So. This game. This game is weird, man. It’s like if Portal was designed by M.C. Escher and replaced creating portals with creating and manipulating matter.
And it makes my head hurt in a good way. When you solve a puzzle in this game… it makes you feel good about yourself. When you fuck up, you know you fucked up.
For the story… there is none. You’re in an antechamber, and you’re trying to escape. You click on pictures that give you hints/encouragement to beat the game. The game WANTS you to win. It’s just hard sometimes. XD
Gameplay is simple. You move around. You find a matter manipulator. You go around solving simple problems. You find a more powerful manipulator. You solve harder problems. Repeat until you get the red gun, aka the “I win gun.”
In keeping with the M.C. Escher theme, it’s a bit of a cartoonish art direction, but it doesn’t hurt the game, it makes it seem more… vivid. Most walls are white, but there are some colored ones… and those ones give a hint to which gun you need, most of the time.
Now, I will admit. This game is NOT for everyone. It will hurt your brain at times. This isn’t a flaw, but it does hurt the game a bit. You never know what you can and can’t do.
All in all, this is a fun puzzle game, but it’s not for everyone. If you want a thinking man’s game, though… play it. It’s well worth it.
God I love this game. Get it. Get it now. It’s 6 bucks. It’s not Magna Cum Laude or Box Office Bust. Those are shit. It’s a damn good point-and-click adventure game. :D
I can deny because of one simple thing: Bad Company 2 did it first, and in my opinion, did it better.
So recently there was a video on the Escapist about the reviewer’s Top 5 First Person Shooters… AND THE LIST SUCKED. I know it’s all about personal opinion but… Battlefield 3?! Seriously?! Battlefield FUCKING 3 DEFINED THE GENRE?! NO! BULLSHIT!
Anyway, it got me thinking, and I’m going to share with you my top 7 FPSs. Why seven? If you know me, you know I like seven because five’s not enough, and ten’s too many. Now you may disagree with me as much as the guy on the Escapist, and I’m prepared for that.
DAMN. STRAIGHT. I’ve talked about why I love Bulletstorm so much, but there aren’t enough words for me to describe why I fucking love this game. You got Steve Blum, you got Jennifer Hale, you got awesome gameplay. DENATTADEN.
6. Team Fortress 2
Hear me out. It’s the only sole multiplayer FPS game on this list. It’s still fun. And despite the haters going “OH, VALVE DOES NOTHING BUT CRANK OUT HATS NOW!”, Valve does continuously update it with more maps, more game modes, and more fun, other than hats. I like it.
5. Half-Life 2
ONE DAY JOHN FREEMAN, WHO WAS GORDON FREEMAN’S BROTHER… yadda yadda. It’s still a blast to play now. The narrative works really well, you’re rarely taken out by cutscenes… it’s just fun.
4. Borderlands 2
BIG step from the original. It’s a lot of fun regardless of if you’re in a group or by yourself. I do recommend making one of each character to see the different playstyles, though. I love both Siren and Gunzerker so far.
3. Serious Sam 3
Yes, it’s on here. You know I love it. Next game.
The father of all FPS games. I was surprised not to see this on the list I mentioned at the top. It’s one of the most important FPS games and no mention. I love Doom. Play Doom.
This was my first FPS ever. The creativity of this game is just… unparallelled. It’s Doom + Cthulhu Mythos + 3D Graphics. Sure, you can say that Quake pioneered “Real is Brown.” But fuck you, Quake is fun. Without Quake, no Half-Life, no Half-Life 2, no Team Fortress. If you haven’t played it yet… just go play it. It’s fun. :D
There you go. My list. There’s a mix of modern and classic, and hopefully, you see why I love it. :D
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Developer: Epic Games and People Can Fly
Reviewed on: PC
Also available on: 360, PS3
THIS GAME IS AWESOME AND YOU ALL SUCK IF YOU DON’T GET IT. DAMN STRAIGHT, 7 OUT OF 7.
Ahem. With that out of the way, Bulletstorm is basically the answer to all those boring military first person shooters. You want a good modern shooter that doesn’t take itself seriously? Bulletstorm is your game.
The basic story is that you as Grayson Hunt, played by Steve Blum, lead a band of space pirates who were formerly the most elite team of the government, lead by General Sarrano (asshole). However, Sarrano (asshole) was having you commit terrible acts of atrocity, including killing innocent civilians. Including one reporter in front of his daughter. Gray and the rest of Dead Echo declare revenge.
Fast forward, and Gray and crew find Sarrano (asshole) orbiting the (former) tropical resort planet Stygia, and Gray starts a drunken kamikaze attack. It doesn’t go well. The majority of your crew die, and the last remaining one, Ichi, is now half robot. You find out that Sarrano (asshole) also went down and called for rescue. Now your only hope for getting off is to find Sarrano (asshole). Too bad the local flora and fauna have other ideas. As well as the gangs on the planet.
You meet up with Trishka (voiced by Jennifer Hale), who is one of Sarrano’s newest and greatest soldiers. Also wasn’t… nah, never mind. Anyway, you try to find Sarrano (asshole), and leave the damn planet. It doesn’t go exactly to plan, but anything else is spoilers. Including Trishka’s last name. (Wonder why that could be?)
Gameplay is a blast. The Leash is quite intuitive, and Skill Shots add a new level of fun to the mayhem. The weapons are fun and inventive and aren’t 5 versions of the same damn gun. You know why the Skill Shots are fun? Headshots by themselves? 25 points. Leash a guy, then kick him, THEN headshot the guy? At least 100. And you’ll need them to upgrade your guns to make even MORE carnage and chaos.
The campaign should take you about 10 hours, give or take. It’s still longer than Call of Battlefield. And it’s replayable because of the Skill Shots.
There is a bit of commentary, but it’s easily missable: You, as the player character, obviously enjoy the carnage that you are causing with your multiple weapons and creative kills, similar to Borderlands and Doom. You are very likable. The villains are faceless, serious, same-gun wielding, grunts who take orders from a psychopathic manchild who is the breathing stereotype of immature Call of Battlefield players. They are not likable. Do the math.
There is only one gripe, but it doesn’t take from the score. Four words: GAMES FOR WINDOWS LIVE. Just… roll with it. I don’t really have a verdict for the multiplayer because no one plays it.
It’s 20 bucks. Get it. I’m gonna make it a SRTTNGE. I want to make it a SRTTNGE. It’s a lot of fun.
I’m not ready to give Sims 3 plus all it’s expansions a score yet, since there’s just so much fucking content I have to go through. This will be up to Seasons, I probably won’t have a review copy of University Life when it comes out, because I’m a fictional character being written by an unproven game nut.
Anyway, impressions: I still kinda hold my argument from when Sims 3 came out. The Expansions Pets, Seasons, University, and Supernatural to a LESSER extent should have been in the base game. I know EA wants to make money, but I’d rather have the stuff from the previous expansions of the previous game in the base game of the sequel. Just saying.
That being said… it’s the Sims. I was a fan of the first Sims back in 1999. I’m still a big fan now. The stuff they keep adding that hasn’t been in a Sims game before continues to give me hope that ONE DAY, EA and Maxis will realize “Hey, for Sims 4… let’s put all this stuff in the BASE game, and be a hell of a lot more creative with the expansions!” I don’t have that high of a hope, but… please. For Sims fans who want awesome, not rehashing. You did good with Supernatural and Seasons so far. Keep it up. Hell, the Pets expansion is actually quite well done, better than Sims 2 Pets, I gotta say that.
One of my major gripes, though, is the lack of support for previous content. Sunset Valley continuously gets more stuff added to it so less and less empty lots become available for purchase. It annoys me like boy and girl groups annoy Eminem. That’s really the biggest gripe though.
Anyway, I do have an idea of what my score will be, and it will be on the “good” side of the scale. Just not a 7. XD
Publisher: id Software
Developer: id Software
Reviewed on: PC
Ah, Doom. The father of all first person shooters, Wolfenstein 3D being the grandfather, and Quake being… the uncle? I dunno, I went silly with this analogy. Anyway. Doom. I still play Doom to this day.
Basic story: You are Doomguy, a Space Marine for the United Aerospace Corporation, a group trying to make teleporters work on a Martian moon base. They accidentally open a rift into hell and demons invade the base and kill everyone except you. You decide: kill ‘em all.
And that’s all you needed. There was no tutorial. E1M1 was your tutorial. Find stuff, kill bad guys, find secrets. Not too hard to mess that basic idea up. Activision.
The Ultimate Doom is split into 4 episodes, the three from the original, plus one bridging it to Doom II, which we’ll get to later. Episode 1, Knee-Deep in the Dead, has Doomguy work his way through the Phobos Moon Base, clearing it out trying to reach the teleporter to the Deimos base… it does, but it implies that you die to get there. Episode 2, The Shores of Hell, has Doomguy working his way to where the Demons are build some sort of tower which houses the Cyberdemon. He kicks the Cyberdemon’s ass and then finds out “Shit, Deimos is above hell!” Episode 3, Inferno, has Doomguy go through Hell, literally and figuratively, to find a way back home. He kills the Spider Mastermind, believed to be the brains of the invasion, and the guy running hell decides “Yeah. Fuck this.” and opens up a portal back to Earth. Nothing could go wrong, right? No, the Demons get through too. And kill your rabbit, Daisy. Episode 4, Thy Flesh Consumed, is Doomguy fighting his way to… the beginning of Doom II, getting as much revenge as he possibly can. It’s also considerably harder than the first three episodes, with the Cyberdemon appearing as an enemy on THREE of the maps (if you’re playing on Ultra-Violence!, 2 if you’re playing on lower difficulties).
Gameplay wise, it’s basically what you’d want from a Doom game. Fighting demons, using Rocket Launchers, proper action and shit. Levels are non-linear, and you have to find keycards to access later parts of the level. Some people may find keycard puzzles annoying, but I don’t. Basically, you explore the level, looking for the exit, and possibly secrets that hide weapons.
Doom and its brethren are the FPS games that I want. I want to carry all the weapons. I want to explore the map. I want to go through again and find things I hadn’t before. There was a mod that made Doom play more like Call of Duty, called “If Doom were Done Today.” It highlighted what’s wrong with shooters today, for the most part. Linearity is boring, let us explore the map that you’ve created instead of just guiding us like a small puppy. And they called Doomguy “Flynn Taggart.” That’s not his name.
All in all, Doom’s STILL a great game to this day, and if you haven’t played it, SHAME ON YOU. And the greatest part of Doom? It’ll run on ANY computer? Have a toaster? Doom can probably run on it.
Now, some people are a bit confused on the rating scale, so I thought I’d do a rundown of all of the scores from zero to seven.
The lowest of the lows. If you see this score attached to a game, avoid like the fuckin’ plague. This is where I would put The War Z. IF IT WERE AVAILABLE TO REVIEW.
These games have so many flaws, if there were any good elements…. you would barely notice. This is where I’d put something like SimCity Societies. Piece a’shit.
These games are bad, but they’re at least playable… or, ya know, a GAME. They have some redeeming qualities, but there are some glaring flaws. I’d put something like Sonic 2006 here.
So this game is teetering on the edge between bad and good. It’s got more negative traits than positive, but it’s kinda meh. You can play it, you can get a kick outta it. I’d put something like Faerie Solitare here.
This game’s also teetering on the edge between bad and good, but it’s got more positive traits than negative. It’s still kinda meh, but it’s more playable. Fable III has this score.
Now we start getting to the good games. Obviously. These games are good, but do have some problems with them. I put Grand Theft Auto IV here. (Fuck that fucking relationship mechanic.)
Oh, sweet genius. These are near the zenith of awesome gaming. They have a few flaws, but those flaws only bug you 5% of the time. This is where Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri would go.
As close as you can be to perfection. No game is perfect, but the few that come close… my god. You need to play any game I give a 7. Serious Sam 3 is one of those games.
And that’s basically my review system. I don’t do a scale of 5 because you can’t really be flexable with a scale of 5, and a scale of ten, while the traditional method, just gets abused by everyone except GamesRadar and Destructoid. And don’t get me started on halves or decimals or scales of 100. A scale of 7 works PERFECTLY. 4 good, 4 bad. :D
(As suggested by Scootaflew)
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
Developer: Lionhead Studios
MSRP: $49.99 (Still?!)
Reviewed on: PC
Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter… what the fuck, man. What were you thinking promising SO MANY THINGS, and then falling so short.
This picks up a bit after the end of Fable II, which never came out for PC, so you don’t get any save file bonus for that. Great job, Microsoft.
The story is that you’re the son or daughter of the previous hero/ruler of Albion and your brother, Logan, is the current king. However, he seems to be only concerned with money and his own dang self. So you and you allies decide that you want to overthrow him. However, you need to prove yourself to the population by doing quests for them. Some of these are the most boring quests I have ever done. Ever. It’s like World of Warcraft except without people ganking you every 2 hours.
Combat is varied enough, but you’ll just find yourself running through with certain weapons that give you decent bonuses, like no scarring, extra money. Not to mention, magic’s OP, so you’ll just be using that instead of the gun and sword, since the majority of enemies seem to be weak to said magic.
Another part that I really wish they’d gone further on is character creation. I wish I could make the New Hero of Albion’s face the way I wanted it to be. I wish there were more clothing options, and that I didn’t have to pay extra just to get more clothing. If it’s a game about a digital representation of you becoming king of Albion, then you should have at least have a decent customization layout.
This is my last gripe, and it is spoilers, so be warned. I hate the fact that you have to grind like 9,000,000 gold just to get the absolute best ending, where you keep both your population AND army happy. It does take a while, but it is worth it, I do have to say that.
I do have to admit, though, even with my gripes, it’s a good game. The humor that Lionhead is known for does make an appearance, and it’s quite enjoyable. It is well written, despite some side quests being little more than “Kill X of Y” or “Escort Z to A.” Like I said, combat is varied and very freeform, where if you mess up, you actually do feel like it’s your fault.
Interacting with the population of Albion can be tiring, and if you want the best relationships, you do have to go on fetch quests, but the reactions you get from some townsfolk are pretty funny.
All in all, it is a pretty decent game, although a bit wonky at some bits. It’s good, but if you’re looking for a really good RPG, you may find Fable III disappointing and lackluster in parts. Though you may find yourself somehow addicted to it regardless, like I did at the beginning.
C’MON, YOU SAW THIS ONE COMING!
Serious Sam 3: BFE
Publisher: Devolver Digital
MSRP: $39.99 for standard edition, $49.99 for the edition you SHOULD get.
Reviewed on: PC
Serious Sam is a classic first-person shooter series that has only one rule: “Shoot everything.” And Serious Sam 3: BFE is no different. It’s what shooters SHOULD be.
Your basic story is that scientists find ancient Sirian Technology in Egypt, which they use to explore the galaxy. However, this wakes up Mental, an evil god-type being consumed with destroying intelligent life. It’s at the tail end of the war, and Earth is losing. They only have one chance to make it better: the Time-Lock. Capable of sending people back in time, it could turn the tide in their favor.
However, they don’t know how to turn it on.
Sam “Serious” Stone is tasked with retrieving information on how to get the Timelock to work. Plans do not go well as soon as he’s tossed from the helicopter in the opening cutscene.
After that, fuck the story. You go through Egypt taking down Gnaars, Kleers, Beheaded Kamikazes, Biomechanoids, Arachnoids, and various other classic Serious Sam enemies, with all the classic weapons. You have your two shotguns, your minigun, your rocket launcher, your fucking cannon and lasergun (which is sadly only available in secrets this time around). There’s also a new addition in the AS-24 Devastator, which is EASILY my favorite weapon in the game. It’s like the shotgun and the rocket launcher had a baby and had the best qualities of both.
As for gameplay, it starts out kind of slow. However, so did First Encounter. There are hundreds of secrets within the levels, and the amount of enemies will keep you on your toes. It’s do or die, there’s no cover system. Regenerating health is for pussies. You want health, you FIND health.
The graphics aren’t pretty or breath-taking, but you don’t need that. It looks beautiful enough on any computer. It gets the job done. They aren’t “Hollywood quality” like Call of Duty, but fuck Call of Duty.
Frankly, if you consider yourself a FPS fan, you NEED to get this fuckin’ game. Especially if you’ve only played Call of Duty. It’s a kick in the fucking balls.